Single Lady no more, I'm engaged!

In early December 2008 we were out with our friends. I was dancing with a few girls to 'Single Ladies' by Beyonce. The dance from the video includes a move where you shake your ring finger while the line "If you liked it, you should have put a ring on it" is sung. During the ring-finger shake move I informed my friends that I was the only one who should be doing that dance as I was the only one without a ring on that finger.

So on Christmas morning while opening Christmas presents I unwrapped Beyonce's 'I am... Sasha Fierce' and thought "oh yay! I like that one dance song".The CD was shrink-wrapped and everything. Then Morgan says, "well, go on and open it, I want to hear that 'Single Ladies' song".

To be honest I was sort of like, "...OK whatever, It's 9am and you want to listen to dance music?". Despite my confusion I went ahead and opened the CD. Inside Morgan had removed the double CD, placed a note reading Will You Marry Me? and put the beautiful ring inside. I'm no longer a Single Lady! We proceeded to hug, cry and kiss. In honor of that here's this kid dancing to that video:

Vagina: It's not a clown car!

You've probably heard of the Duggar's. The religious nuts with 18 children who have their own show on TLC (which I find especially ironic since they don't allow the children to watch tv, just be followed around by camera crews). The girls don't cut their hair and must always wear skirts. Yeah, it's totally normal. Anyhow, they just welcomed their 18th child. On their show we were introduced to the families democratic process of allowing all the children to vote for the name of the new baby girl. See, they all start with the letter 'J', so it gets tricky. Anyhow, the clip ended up on Jezebel (name idea?)... and the comments are absolutely amazing. I'll share a few.

"Oh. Goodness. I see Jayzee on the list. Why God, WHY didn't they name her JAYZEE?!?"

"Did you see Jinger rolling her eyes when her brother and his wife joked about picking a new "letter" for their future children? Seriously we've gotta break that one out!"

"I love the little boy who wants to name his sister Juicy Fruit."

Last, my personal favorite, which mirrors my own reaction to the Duggar's:

"every time I see these people my vagina clamps up and refuses to open until I have changed the channel."

View the clip and read the rest of comments on Jezebel

Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach

...and yet, I still love him.

What is it about this douchebag, Mr. Justin Bobby? He manages to make Audrina interesting, is apparently a hairdresser, surfer, lead singer and fashionesta in his own right. Yet Hills fans have a true love/hate with this guy. Me, I love him.

Ode to Beeker.

As a child my mother insistently listened to classical music (I assume she still does, I'm just no longer forced to listen). Despite my annoyance I did develop a love for it. However, I think these videos could have done a much better job at making me appreciate the craftsmanship behind Ode to Joy and The Blue Danube Waltz then the afternoons with *NPR's Lora Black ever did. Enjoy.


*I notate NPR because after googling Lora Black I noticed she shares the name with a popular porn star. While I'm sure both Lora's deserve recognition, I didn't want you to assume my mother messed me up quite that badly.

Thanks for the bang Miss Page.

I'm so sad Bettie Page died today. With out her I never would have delved into the glory that is bangs. Thanks for the bang Bettie, I do love it so.

The beautiful Bettie:


My Bettie inspired bang from last year... and my friend Derek, who I'm sure also loved Bettie Page.

Worst person ever or pleasantly sardonic?

I'm a project associate and web programmer in the world of juvenile court advocacy. I travel around with professionals who train caseworkers, lawyers and judges about the best ways to help children in the court system. Often it seems they're preaching to the choir. If I thought it was OK to smack around my baby I probably wouldn't have taken a job in child advocacy. Just a thought. Anyhow, I was sitting through a presentation on child neurological development for about the 7th time. The presenter then reached the most ridiculous power point slide of all time. Big black bold letters reading "DON'T HIT CHILDREN". At this point I turn to my co-worker and mutter, "Yeah, they might have guns". I realize the intent of the slide was to be striking (pun intended), but seriously, this room knows not to hit children. It deserved a joke, I swear. My co-worker, however, disagreed. "Elllsssss, that's not funny! Kids are getting beat everyday!" Yes, as if I am OK with that. Hearing about child abuse everyday is darn depressing, every once in awhile I need to make a borderline inappropriate joke. Also I would make the case that a lot of kids DO have guns. Just food for thought.

Did Paris Hilton watch Eyes Wide Shut one too many times?

OK, was it me or did the Paris Hilton's My New BFF finale not totally resemble the ball scene from Labyrinth or the masquerade party from Eyes Wide Shut? CREEPY! Although, it slightly makes being her best friend seem more appealing. Frankly, I like her more now.

Here's the Paris Finale:

Eyes Wide Shut:

Labyrinth:


I left the 'You Have No Power Over Me' to remind Paris' new BFF of what she can chant around 4am at Tao to break the heiresses vodka-redbull induced spell.

For our little fuzzy one, Miss Mia

Morgan and I have had our little fire crotch for a year this month! In honor of her first year in our home here is a video of her with one of our other favorite things, the turntables.

You're going to need another hole if you eat all those leafy greens.

The below story 100% brightened my day. Last year I tried to switch from Vogue and Cosmo to Woman's Health and Shape because I thought they would focus more on health and inspire me. WRONG. Also, they're squats didn't tone my ass in 3 weeks as promised.

3 Ways Women's Fitness Magazines Destroy The Soul
By Anna N. for Jezebel.com
1:20 PM on Mon Nov 24 2008
Here at Jezebel, we really want to cover fitness magazines. We buy Shape and Self, we read them... and somehow, our brains run dry. After hours of concentrated thought (translation: long plane flight), we've figured out why it's so hard to talk to you about Glamour and Vogue's sweatier sisters. It's because they're actually worse than fashion mags. Sure, they claim to focus less on looking hot and spending money and more on feeling good, but in reality they make us feel bad — not just about ourselves, but about the very concept of human life. Three reasons fitness mags fill us with existential despair, using December Shape as our exemplar, after the jump.
1. They're boring. You know that friend who goes on a diet and then talks about nothing else? Fitness mags are like that friend, except the diet (and exercise plan) lasts forever. At least Glamour has stories about bipolar boyfriends and kept women in foreign countries to break up all the expensive shit. But in this month's Shape, even the sex feature is all about exercising and eating leafy greens. Hot.
2. They treat food like an enemy. Sure, fashion magazines have diet tips, but these are mere skirmishes compared to fitness magazines' nuclear war. Shape's editor says in this month's letter that the holidays are a time to enjoy food. But a few pages later, Shape calls this time of year a "diet danger zone" and baked potatoes a "fat and calorie minefield." Cheesecake is not a guy with a grenade hiding in your fridge. It's just a food. Eat it — or don't. But don't take Shape's bizarre and difficult advice and measure out your portion with a shot glass.
3. They remind you of your mortality. Look, times are hard. Everyone is worried. The last thing we want is to remember that our health is extremely tenuous and the most innocent-seeming habits might kill us. Unfortunately, fitness magazines have to put out an issue every month, so they need a constant supply of newer, weirder health scares. Shape's latest: petting your dog. It won't give you a cold, but it could give you E. coli. So play it safe and wrap your entire body in plastic. Cut two holes. One is for shoving in leafy greens. The other is for sex, but only because it's good for you.

I'm so excited I just blued myself.

The Watch with Kritin crew on eonline just confirmed there WILL be a Arrested Development movie!! Heck yes! Except... one of the actors is holding out. My guess is Michael Cera, and that's the word on the street too. I would guess that Juno went to his head, though he's played his AR role of George Micheal in literally every movie he's been in. Talk about range. I love the kid, but I hope he does this movie or my respect will drop (and I'm sure my respect means a lot to him). Here nor there, I'm pumped the rest of the cast will be assembling.

Meet the face of death:

Denny Duquette, Judah Botwin, William, Detective Cole Davies. Jeffrey Dean Morgan has spent much of his acting career either playing a dead guy, replacing a dead guy or chasing a dead guy. It occurred to me last night while the ghost of Denny was fucking Dr Izzie Stevens that this guy gets to barely memorize lines, smile (melt!), and do a sex scene with a smoking hot actress. He does the exact same thing on one of my other favorite shows, Weeds, during multiple flash back scenes. What a sweet gig! In PS I Love You (a over-the-top estrogen fest glorifying the death of a husband) Jeffrey plays the guy who falls in love with the widow, replacing the dead guy. Again: 1.)smile 2.)have a sex scene with a beautiful woman. Good for him. As Detective Cole Davis in Chasing Ghosts Jeffery is chasing a murderous dead guy. Not as romantic and arguably harder to sell as an actor, but still death-based.

Who knew the face of death would be so chiseled?

Dr. Asperger and those silly interns

I love how Grey's fans are current up in arms about the "ridiculous" and "crazy" things the writers have been doing this season. Um, It's Grey's Anatomy. It's one step from "General Hospital" and always has been. That's why we love it, it's a soap with slightly better writing, foreshadowing song titles as episode titles, a better soundtrack and significantly more famous actors. Hello, it's always been over the top. Several of the main characters have died and remain on the show.

I'll admit I do wonder how they'll tie up this weeks Izzie/Denny sexcapade, seeing as he's dead and all. I suspect she's has a nice vibrator and a brain tumor. Everyone who comes on that show has a brain tumor. They should really get the water checked or something. Anyhow, the more over the top, borderline jumping the shark, it gets the more motivated I am to watch.

Also, Christina clearly caring about Dr. Torres when she's losing it in the operating room - a bit out of character right? With the arrival of uber-ANNOYING Sadie (can they kill her off with a giant brain tumor - for real - please?) is Christina beginning the search for a new bestie? God, I hope not.

Get your wine (fine, Franzia) and ice cream ready - I think it's going to be a big one.

I bet Jesus would love pop music the most.

Although I'm not a Christian I follow the norm and celebrate the shit out of Christmas. I'll admit it, I love love love Christmas music. Go on, judge me.

Here are this weeks picks for my favorite Christmas tunes:

My Only Wish (this year) - Britney Spears
All I want for Christmas is You - Mariah Carey
Santa Baby - Kylie Minogue
Last Christmas - wait for it... wait for it... Wham!

Delusional Blondes, my new obsession

As my life grows ever more pathetic I have found myself watching Bravo's "The Real House Wives of Atlanta". I could never get into the Orange County gals, they were just boring and rich. These Atlanta wives, however, are one hot mess. Kim Zociak is my favorite as she seems the most ridiculous. Here she is in all her glory:

She is an aspiring county singer who couldn't carry a tune if it was in a backpack. Her "famous" boyfriend refuses to be revealed so she refers to him only as Big Papa while she spends all of his money. She refuses red wine saying she doesn't want to stain her teeth while she's smoking - her children correct her and she lets them know to stop talking. Lastly, and my personal favorite, she believes she's a black woman trapped in a white woman's body. Two favorite Kim quotations:

"I’m a black girl trapped in a white girls body…Tyra, I was drinking when I said that. I have a lot of African American friends. It just works for me."

"I’m going to keep Big Papa a secret because I’ve seen what can happen to public relationships-like Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson."

According to Jezebel.com Kim's Big Papa isn't so much a celebrity as a married guy:
"According to numerous blind items and internet rumors, Kim's boyfriend isn't really a celebrity, but rather a well-known figure in the Atlanta community. The gossip is that he's a wealthy commercial real estate developer, who is neither white nor black, and who prefers to remain a mystery because he's married. In the second episode of the season, Kim's BlackBerry screen is revealed and she has a number of text messages from someone named Lee, including this message: 'Miss U.' Astute viewers have surmised that this man must be Lee Najjar. His wife is ironically named Kim"

Thing One, Thing Two and Ron Jeremy.

What a lovely Halloween I had! It's my favorite holiday and didn't let me down yet again. Frances and I portrayed Dr. Suess's Thing One and Thing Two, while my tasteful boyfriend became the infamous Ron Jeremy.



And then my parents stopped by to share in some Picasso-esque photos :)

What is it about skanks in the fall?

I faithfully watch America's Next Top Model, Paris Hilton's BFF and Rock of Love: Charm School (probably the most despicable). I don't know why. I would like to say that watching makes me feel better about myself, and while that's true (who doesn't seem better in comparison?), it can't be the only reason I tune in. Technically these shows stand for everything I hate. Objectifying women, encouraging women to exploit themselves for attention, preaches that sex is a woman's most powerful tool (in that crowd, hello STDs!), and that fame is something that be gained solely by bad behavior. Not only do these shows "stand" for those principals, they seem to be proving them true. I mean I actually know who Heather is. I know she has a "Bret" tattoo on her neck. I know who she is because she behaves like a 3 year old, is unnervingly open about her sexuality and most likely has the clap at any given moment. It worked. Being a skank made her famous.

I'm no closer to knowing what it is about these train wrecks that keep me watching, but whatever it is it's powerful shit. Powerful, depressing, shit.

Frozen yogurt and boxed wine

I look like Ugly Betty, only slightly better dressed.

Is 3:00pm too early on a Tuesday to drink?

I'll be watching Shaun of the Dead, eating frozen yogurt (yep, still dieting) and downing some Franzia if anyone needs me.

Embarrassing High School Moments, Post College

Tomorrow I get braces. Yep, old school, metal, in your face braces. I also weigh more then I have ever weighed before. I'm going to be one sexy bitch. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't exactly gorgeous in high school. I was a bit chunky, dressed like a ho, wore too much make-up and usually had some sort of bad dye job in the hair department. But all of those things were self-derived. I didn't face the torture of dental accessories, severe acne or anything of the like. This is new to me.

I have been dieting like there is no tomorrow, but my always slow metabolism seems to have come to a complete halt. I had lost three pounds, but one night of screw drivers and Old Style seems to have completely reversed three weeks of dieting. And now I get braces. I'll be living every high school girls nightmare. I'm a fatty brace face.

Now I have some hope I can carry this off with a little class. I dress much better then I ever did high school. My hair is shiny and healthy. I'm even working on smiling with my mouth closed (right now I still look like I'm doing some sort of "John McCain wincing" impression). I'm still dieting and working on that screw drivers and Old Style habit. Perhaps I can still be decently attractive with braces and an extra 20 pounds. If nothing else, I'll dig into every fat girls reserve. I'll distract them with my boobs.

The cheerleader is growing on me.

Confused by this whole economy thing?

I love business and economics, mainly because I'm a dork. Despite the fact that I love these topics recent events have been somewhat confusing to me. I found these podcasts (or just audio downloads if you're sans ipod) VERY helpful.

Of course, they're from NPR, but then I'm a public radio addict too...

The Giant Pool of Money: explains the housing crisis, the hows and the whys
http://www.thislife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?sched=1242


Another Frightening Show About the Economy: explains what's in the bail out plan, what the store for us, and so forth.
http://www.thislife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?episode=365


There are also transcripts available if listening isn't your thing. You can also find them on itunes, FOR FREE!

I can't even disappoint my mother properly...

The debates were on ABC. No new Grey's until next week. Morgan just HAD to watch them.

And to add torture to my pain, Palin didn't fail miserably. She wasn't awesome, but she wasn't awesomely bad either. oh poo.

My mother will be so dissappointed...

to find out I plan on watching Grey's Anatomy and The Office(online) rather then the vice presidential debates. Look, I watched the presidential debates. I sat through all of Palin's PAINFUL interview with Katie Couric. I listen to NPR. I check the CNN, MSNBC, BBC and occasionally even the Fox News websites. Frankly, I know who I'm voting for already. I'm not a crucial swing vote. There is little Palin could do to make me like her... other then to renounce basically everything she believes in.

Let's be honest, the good parts will be run on the news over and over to point where I have spent more time watching a 1 minute clip of the debate then it would have taken to watch to watch all 90. In fact, I'm sure I'll get sucked into reading the full manuscript tomorrow on CNN.com.

Biden will look like a jerk; Palin will look like an idiot. shocking.

My raging liberal, freedom fighting mother will be so disappointed in me. But, I just have to know what's happening with MerDer, Izzie and the Seattle Grace crew. I mean who can sleep another night with out full assurance that Jim and Pam will be together forever? There will be just as much drama (well, maybe a little less) on scripted network t.v. tonight. It's just less stressful to watch fake drama.

Sorry mom. I just can't do it tonight.

Freak the Me

So I really like Halloween right? No biggie.

I bought some Halloween window clings for my office to celebrate. While shopping my friend and I uncovered an especially gruesome window cling of bloody handprints and the word 'help' written in blood. I, of course, purchased it for window at home, knowing it was a bit much for the office. When I returned from lunch I put up my work appropriate clings, but I was still very excited about my bloody find. I showed the bloody handprints to two of my nearby co-workers. HOLY GOD! The look they gave me. It was as if I was displaying a "I enjoy kicking babies in the face" poster. Their reaction actually prompted me to say, "Oh, it's not real blood!!" as if that was really in question.

Hrumph.

A Catholic, 2 Jews and a Unitarian walk into a...

...child welfare conference. My ever-enthralling job as a lawyer lackey has taken me to Bridgeport Nebraska for our Regional Conference. The conference in and of itself isn't so bad. It's the traveling that's a bit strenuous. Today's conference involved a six hour van drive with my boss (a shrink), our staff attorney, a juvenile judge and me... a graduated art student attempting to make the shift into law school.

...I don't need to tell you the two crowds aren't exactly the same. The difference most noticeable in the use of the word bowl, they're either loading one or buying one at Pottery Barn. I'll let you guess which group does what.

Anyhow, I don't exactly feel like I fit in with my traveling partners. Some how I always feel stupid. I don't actually think I'm less intelligent, I only lack in the additional years of formal schooling, yet somehow I inherently feel "less-than". I can only hope this won't be a feeling that continues to plague me law school. Have I mentioned I haven't told them I'm applying to law school? My co-workers I mean. They don't know. For some reason I'm scared they'll laugh at me.

Some days I just SCREAM insecurity with every move I make.

Dear 15 year olds everywhere,

The Jonas Brothers suck. Their music is whiny, disingenuous, and lacking in pretty much every department. And I even like pop music.

Also, they're not attractive. Stop screaming. They won't have sex with you anyway. I'm so over their promise rings. We get it you're waiting for marriage, shut up about it already. I don't care to hear about all the sex the neighborhood slut is having, similarly I don't care to hear about all the sex you're not having. You want a cookie? Make it to your 21st birthday, then I'll be impressed. No wonder Christians get married so young. I would too.

Has young Hollywood learned nothing from Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears or the undeniably slutty looking Miley Cyrus? Don't go off running your mouth about how virginal and pure you are. It only sets you up for failure later when it turns out you're like every other 18 year old in the country.

At least X-Tina owned up to it.

Verge of Panic

PANIC! Law School Applications are scary. Really fucking scary. You're judged based solely on only a few key things.

I'm annoyed. I went to school at UNL for only a year. A very unsuccessful academic year, an utter failure. A fact that I didn't realize would haunt me so. I transferred to Doane and did very well. In fact I graduated with a 3.97 gpa. The Law School Admission Council combines that with ALL my undergraduate gpa's. Meaning my ONE unsuccessful year at UNL dropped my cumulative gpa to a 3.67. That's not very high. At least not for law school.

I'm stressy. Very stressy.

Tripped to Denver Once More

Morgan and I just returned from my second trip to Red Rocks in three weeks (I have it rough). We saw NIN this time. It was pretty awesome. The tickets and trip were his birthday present and he is much more the Nine Inch Nails fan than I. But here nor there I enjoyed myself. I was also inspired to study twice as hard. strange reaction to a vacation and concert right?

I love the mountains, I love that place, I want to live there. Getting into either the University of Colorado Boulder or The University of Denver Sturm Law College is a hefty goal, but one I'm inspired to achieve.

Visual DNA from Youniverise

A visual DNA? I don't know. But certainly fun! Try it for yourself at Youniverse!

Jack Johnson

Frances, Ben and I just returned from our trip to Morrison/Lakewood/Denver Colorado to see Jack Johnson play at the ever-beautiful Red Rocks. Amazing! After saving our seats Ben and I ran to bathroom at the very top of the amphitheater, as they're the nicest. As we headed out we ran straight into an impromptu show at the top of the amphitheater. We were literally feet from Jack watching him play. We traded out to go get Frances and let her watch too. It was absolutely amazing. His main-stage show (ya know, the one we actually expected) was far from a disappointment as well.

A beautiful experience, shared with beautiful people. Who can ask for more?


The impromptu Jack show, captured via camera phone...


The three of us at Tracks, a Denver club, the evening before the concert.

Feist Moves to Sesame Street

I'm all over the Canadian's today! I LOVE LOVE LOVE this!



Feist Moves To Sesame Street
Posted Fri Aug 8, 2008 11:26am PDT by Suzanne Baran in As Heard On...

Canadian indie star Feist's smash hit, "1234," has really risen to ubiquitous heights. She'll appear on the August 11 season premiere of Sesame Street performing a different version of the song.

A video of the singer was leaked on the Internet over the weekend frolicking with muppets and holding colorful numbers.

As if the popular iPod artist wasn't given enough of a boost, she now joins an extensive list of artists who have contributed their lyrics to the hit children's show.

The lyrics of the upbeat, sentimental song have been changed from their tribute to "old teenage hopes...alive at your door" into "Oh, you're counting, counting with me/To one less than five and one more than three."

There's also a revised chorus: "I love counting/counting to the number four."

It's a cute song and video that's not syrupy, overdone, or too annoying. Watch her strolling down Sesame Street with her furry friends in tow...

The Website is Down: Sales Guy vs Web Dude

So painfully accurate... The sales guy totally reminds me of a sales person I worked for a few years back. Young douchey and utterly clueless.



Favorite quotes:

"I know our website was at the tip of penis!"

"That's just what Nancy said you did last time"

"There is no arrange by penis"

I'm not the only one who wishes life were a musical!!

I'm not the only one!! Apparently many people are just waiting for their moment to sing and dance, just look:

Airport Musical:



Cafeteria Musical: "IIII NEeeeeddddd aaaa NNNAAAAPPPPKKKIIN!!"



I suggest checking them out more at: http://improveverywhere.com

The Big Bad LSAT

I've decided to take the LSAT and attempt to go to law school.

Dooms day is Saturday Oct 4, bright and early. Wish me luck!

They're pretty Up -Tight Down Under...

Read the below article... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! If someone doesn't think my vagina is just fine the way it is, well then, frankly, they don't get to see it. Also, if you're having sex problems - just try a new vibrator, leave the knife OUT OF IT!!

'Designer Vaginas' Blacklisted in Australia

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Cosmetic surgery to "rejuvenate" the vagina has been blacklisted by Australian gynecologists who say more women are being injured by the dangerous procedures.

Top female sexual health specialists say they are seeing an increase in women with scarring, infections and altered sexual sensations after undergoing vaginal surgery.

Most have had labioplasty operations, to change the external appearance of the vagina or, less commonly, to narrow the vagina or "amplify'' the female G-spot.

The Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists has issued a position statement on the trend, labelling it dangerous, expensive and unwarranted.

"The college is particularly concerned that such surgery may exploit vulnerable women,'' the statement said.

Dr. Ted Weaver, chairman of the college's women's health committee, said there were now a number of clinics, mostly in Sydney and the Gold Coast, offering these treatments.

Most of the operations cost at least $10,000, an "extraordinary amount of money,'' Weaver said.

"We feel these operations might prey on people with insecurities and fears who actually need psychological help,'' he said.

"They are also not very anatomically-based and have the potential to cause serious harm.''

Many college members had treated patients with scarring, permanent disfigurement, infection and altered sexual sensations, some of whom required reconstructive surgery, he said.

There was concern that women seeking the most common operation, the labioplasty, did not understand there was a huge variation in how women's external genitalia look.

"In one case we heard of a man bringing in a Brazilian pornographic photo and saying: `Make my girlfriend look like this','' Weaver said.

"We don't think it is ethical behavior to agree to do that.''

G-spot augmentation, where collagen is injected into the vaginal wall to enhance sexual pleasure, was also controversial.

"It is often not clear where the G-spot is or if it even exists at all in some women,'' he said.

"So the procedure is done without that being verified, often causing problems in sex.''

Daniel Fleming, president of the Australasian College of Cosmetic Surgery, said the vast majority of people who undergo labia and vaginal surgery were "very happy'' with the result.

"If there's a problem (the gynecologists) need to submit the evidence so we can find out why it's happening and if any particular group of doctors is implicated in the alleged increased complication rate,'' Fleming said.

Do I really have to wear stretch pants?

I read Vogue. I get Cosmo. I would love to be Sarah Jessica Parker's bestie. At the end of the day however, I just can't wear stretch pants, hot pants, opaque tights, liquid leggings or whatever it is you choose to call them.

Do get me wrong, I sported them with everyone else in the 80's and early 90's, but my legging ship has sailed. I think they look adorable on all you waif types, but the minute I put them on under my mini I just look like Stephanie Tanner's evil 5'10 and 140 pound step-sister. The image of matte (or even shiny, shudder) spandex stretched over my rear end is quite possibly the most unflattering and down-right degrading thing I could do to myself.

So you keep rocking them, adorable, 90-pound coffee house chick! I'll be over here in my A-Line skirt and mile high heels, rocking it my way.

unordered-e-updates

Hello again friends!

Hope all is well!

I want to update everyone on the status of my web page and just-for-fun company unordered-e-designs
. I finally have all my galleries created. So if you go to the Advertisements, Typography, Full Campaign or Fine Art sections you will find my portfolio in a lovely photo gallery format. I've also updated some of the information on the Homepage, Resume and What's New sections.



My other big news is the opening of the unordered-e-store
! I have six designs currently available for order on a variety of products, with many more designs in the works. The current shop-front is sort of a work in progress, but I would love for everyone to check it out. If you have an idea for a design or a funny shirt you have always wanted to see PLEASE let me know. I would love to create it for you!

I have a few more "practice sites" in progress before I start taking on real customers (fine, customers that aren't related to me), but I'll be launching my just-for-fun web design company for real soon.

Keep me in mind for future projects!

Thanks for reading and supporting!!!

Much Love,
Elsbeth

I’ve gone all trendy and reflective

For all intensive purposes I find "bucket lists" pretty creepy, and annoying trendy thanks to Nicholson and Freeman. But since graduating I have been feeling so open and excited for new things and have been collecting ideas of stuff I want to do in my life. So I caved. I totally, totally, fucking caved. I give you:

Elsbeth's uber-creepy, uber-trendy, uber-hypocritical, Bucket List:

- Go to Salem, Massachusetts over Halloween

- Be at Stonehenge during the summer solstice sunrise

- Go to Grad/Law School: some form of continued education beyond my B.A.

- Go to Greece and visit Athens

- Scuba Dive a reef somewhere

- Parasail

- Be a parent

- Learn to cook (well!)

- Buy a dress that costs over 500 dollars and have a place to wear it (wedding doesn't count)

- Meet and get a picture with Anthony Bourdain and Ani DiFranco (doesn't have to be at the same time…)

- Own a car that costs way too much money and says nothing good about me

- HAVE A POOL! (I'm a simple person, I'd be happy with having my own pool)

- Learn another language, or just continue to learn and become fluent in French

The Worrier’s Almanac Guide– Who’s Going to Kill Me?

How are you going to die? Probably between the ages of 25 to 34, drunk at 11pm on a Saturday by male who is of the same race as you.

I'm a worrier. I appreciate this.

The Worrier's Almanac Guide–
Who's Going to Kill Me?
by Pete Nicely

... I constantly probe the news, statistics and other neurotics so that I can worry more effectively. I cautiously seer into the ever-frightening future and fret: Am I more likely to die on the weekend or during the week? Or, When do more people get killed, day or night? And most often I wonder: Who's going to kill me?

Now I know the odds are that no one is going to kill me. The odds are much better that I'll die in an accident or kill myself either by suicide or slowly by smoking, eating or breathing too much.

But forget the odds. For some reason, worries tend toward murder and how to avoid it. In some reptilian part of our brain, we're all being hunted. And I want to know EXACTLY who is going to kill me. And if I can't know exactly, I want to know enough statistics so that I can make a very faulty hypothesis.

So here is exactly what you need to know about being killed.

1. Men get killed way more often than women.

In 2005, 4 men were killed for every 1 woman. This isn't to say that it's safer to be a woman at all. 1 in 6 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime, compared to 1 in 33 men . While I think that statistic is definitely underreported, the fact is that in this sick society women get raped and men get killed. 65% of murders are men killing men, which, considering all the raping going on, doesn't seem like such a terrible thing. 23% are men killing women. 10% were women killing men while on 2% of all murders are females killing other females, which is probably why mud wrestling comes off as so safe and fun.



2. Worry about the people you know.

Women should be cautious of their lovers. 1/3 of women murder victims were killed by someone they were "intimate" with. Only 3% of men were killed by an intimate. Strangers get a bad rap in our society. Even the term comes off creepy. But if you're female, you have to keep in mind that even the person you're boning is a bit strange. Women are also more likely to be killed by a family member or an acquaintance than a man is. A stranger murdered only 9% of women. 16% of men are reported murdered by a stranger, which just means that the relationship couldn't be determined. I really don't think that the random murder of strangers is worth worrying about, not with our friends and families out to get us.



3. White people generally kill white people; black people kill black people

Almost half of all murders were a white person killing a white person. About 41% were black people killing black people. Less than 9% of murders were a black person killing a white person. Only 4% of murders involved a white person killing a black person, which is a nice respite from the 400 years of genocide and torture of the slave trade. Black immigrants have way lower homicide rates than native black Americans.



4. Teenagers and people in their young 20s are most likely to be killed.

Females in this age group are also 4 times more likely to be raped. It's when we are most reckless and I recommend avoiding this period of your life completely, if possible. 25-34 is the next most dangerous age, which is certainly why the framers picked 35 as the minimum age for the President.



5. Saturday, followed closely by Friday, is the most muderous day of the week.

6. The day gets more dangerous as it gets later.

Mornings are the safest time of day. Afternoons are slightly more dangerous. Starting at 6 PM murder rates go way up, peaking at 11 PM. Note to Worriers: Stay home at night and on Fridays and Saturdays.

7. You can get killed at work.

About 800 people get killed every year at work. Men are 4 times as likely to die while working, but death is the leading occupational injury for women. I can't think of anything worse than dying at work, which is why it'll probably happen to me.



8. Driving a cab is the most dangerous job in America.

15 out 100,000 cab drivers are killed every year compared to 9 out of 100,000 police officers. The other dangerous jobs are pretty obvious: Hotel clerks, liquor store clerks, gas station workers and security guards.



9.Intoxication kills.

Victims are likely to be intoxicated so are murderers.



10. Resisting seems like a good idea.

A Department of Justice study of survivors of nearly fatal attacks found that 63% of victims felt their resistance helped them. Only 7% felt it was harmful. Of course, you can't interview those who didn't survive.



11. Guns kill better.

2/3 of all murders involved guns. Sharp instruments are the second most popular murder weapon at 17%. Blunt instruments, like a trumpet, I guess, were used in only 6%. There is no statistical breakout for candlesticks, wrenches or lead pipes. Now, I'm one of those people who wish that all handguns were illegal (or nearly impossible to get). I know: Then only criminals will have guns. But given how much more likely we are to be killed by someone we know than a stranger—I'm willing to risk it.



12. You probably won't be murdered.

1 out of 217 Americans will be murdered in his or her lifetime. In one year, that's 1 out of 16, 919, or a very large hockey crowd. Thinking of murder statistics in terms of hockey crowds makes the whole thing much easier to take, I find. 1 in 5 of us will die from Heart Disease. 1 of 84 will die in car accidents. If you want to think about who's stalking you, it's cancer and emphysema. And they know where you live.

Death isn't a joke, but it is the Worrier's job to consider it dispassionately. Thusly I remind you: beware the friend, family member or acquaintance that shows up drunk at Saturday night at 11 PM with a gun and a smile. Otherwise you should be just fine.

In Defense of Gen X and Y

My generation (or our depending on your age…) takes a lot of flack these days. Those of us born in the late seventies and eighties are too often considered regressive, tech-head, spoiled brats. Ironically I have mostly heard these sentiments from those who raised us, the hippies turned yuppies. Unfortunately, I have recently heard an influx of dislike for our generation by our own. The young people of the sixties and seventies are so idolized and glorified that we are often perceived as political and social failures by default. Because there was no great sexual revolution of the early 2000's we have failed as a generation.

If I hear one more 20-something complaining about how boring and lame our generation is I may puke. So stop bitching and do something if we suck so badly. First it's unfair to compare our lives to those of the hippies and revolutionaries of the 60's and 70's… as we're reaping what they sewed. There are two main reasons I think we are seen as regressive when compared to our parent's generation:

Firstly, we have AIDS. We have herpes, gonorrhea, HPV, HIV and a plethora of other STDs. Trust me; I would have LOVED to live in the wonderful bubble of time when people had birth control but a shocking lack of sexually transmitted diseases. Sadly, I was born about 30 years too late. Our generation would most likely love to swing and enjoy the random sexual encounters of our parent's generation (shudder…). But we live in an age where sex can literally kills us. A surge of conservatism can only be expected as a result to seeing our own hurt, scarred, used and possibly killed by sexual promiscuity. However, our generation has responded with more advanced sexual education. Though it's still debated and disliked in many areas, one must admit it's here, and much more in-depth than the in-school education of the 60's and 70's. I also have faith that the majority of us 20-somethings realize that sex education doesn't promote sex (if you've ever seen slides of genital warts I think you'll agree). Our generation is learning, first hand, that knowledge does not equate morality.

Secondly, we understand the sick, sad, and scary parts of drug addiction… Not that we don't use and love drugs, and have created our own and much scary drugs (ie; meth). In the 60's and 70's the social, political and sexual revolution was accompanied by the biggest surge of drug use our country has ever seen. It was theoretically a happy, euphoric and heavenly experience. As artists began to overdose more and more people started to become wary. By the time we hit the 90's the tragically happy face of a high Janis Joplin had turned into the tragic, sad, lonely and depressed smirk of Kurt Cobain. Though our generation still idolizes many drug users we see a much more pronounced underbelly. In fact the drama and self-destruction is almost appealing, while the appeal in the 60's and 70's was a euphoric, spirited experience. Drug users of our generation are often seeking to numb pain not enhance happiness, thus yielding very different out-comes. Granted this is generalization. My main point is that drug-use is not the same of that in the sixties and seventies.

Now old people have many more complaints about us 20-somethings then we do. So we're spoiled are we? Well, thanks. That's your fault. So you hate globalization? Then quit paying to send your college aged child abroad. It's not surprising we all love Europe. Half of the people I went to high school with have been there before the age of 22. So all you 50 year olds who paid for them to go should really stop bitching about how we live too globally and aren't "patriotic" enough. Yes, I love my iphone and it's ability to call internationally. Get over it, it's fucking awesome.

My biggest bone of contention with the old folks is their accusation that we aren't loyal. We (apparently) only hold jobs for an average of five years and expect too much from our employers. I call bullshit. Why would we be loyal? You know what I learned about big business growing up? Enron. The E-Commerce boom… and then crash. An economy that has peaked and crashed more times then my fifteen year-old hormones at prom. Public political and corporate scandals. Why would I presume a company would be loyal to me? Frankly, if I don't trust a company to be loyal to me, there is no fucking way I'll be loyal to them. We were taught that we would be fucked over the majority of our adult lives. Thusly, I'm out for me. As for expecting too much from a company? Umm, fair labor practices, too much? Really?

Long story short I've got to go for money, you old farts are taking all the social security.

So our generation isn't in the midst of a revolution. We're serving an equally important role; we're reacting to the revolutions our grandparents are still bitter about and our parents still brag about. While at the same time were copping with a war and an environmental break down. We live in a scary age, so forgive us for being a little frightened. Our friends are dying in Iraq and our glaciers are melting all while we have keep up the technology running our country. I strongly believe that a break-through in technology and computer science will be the thing that reforms health care, government services, education and our global communication problems. So forgive our stupid you-tube videos and OMG! lingo just for minute. It's all part of a bigger picture OUR generation is writing.

So to us and to our critics, be patient. Calm down. We'll get there.

So, Um, When do I get my shoes back?

Terrible news! Terrible, terrible, terrible, news. I have tendonitis.

A few months ago my foot started hurting. I'm an "ignore-the-pain" kind of girl, so I of course didn't do anything about it. Finally, after a fateful night of him having to carry me, my boyfriend told me enough was enough and made me go to the doctor. She made pleasant murmurs as she poked and prodded my foot, and then announced:

"Oh, it's not big deal"

"Oh good!" I said, "So it's just sore or something, I'll be on my way…"

"Well, not exactly" she shook her head, "You have tendinitis. Here's some pill that will make you nauseous three times a day for three months and a referral to a physical therapist you'll have to see for LIKE HALF A YEAR!"

OK, it didn't go exactly like that, but needless to say she was way off with her 'no-big-deal' prognosis. Beyond the hours of physical therapy I must endure, my therapist has requested I stop wearing heels – For good! Thank goodness ballet flats are in, but my readjustment period will be hard. I'm 5'10. It took me years to get comfortable with my height wearing heels, and once I did I was off to the races. My motto was the higher the better… hence the tendinitis.

I have worked out a deal with my PT (lingo for physical therapists that we PT regulars use). I get heels once a week, on holidays and from now on kitty heels are my friend.

Anyhow, keep an eye out at Plato's Closet and The Black Market. My shoes will be hitting the shelves soon!

bullets = weapon or brass knuckles = gun?

bullets = weapon or brass knuckles = gun?
Category: Life

Kid: "No, no, no, brass knuckles are NOT a weapon, it’s what goes inside of them that makes with a weapon. Like bullets in a gun."

Me: "So you’re saying that guns aren’t weapons - but bullets are? I’m not a gun expert, but I’m pretty sure that both guns and bullets are useless when not used in conjunction."

Kid: "That’s right, just like a hand and brass knuckles."

Me: "I don’t know… I feel like my hand has purpose with out brass knuckles on it. In fact I find my hand quite useful and it has never had brass knuckles on it."

Kid: "Well, a gun still has purpose with out bullets in it. You could use it to whack someone over the head."

Me: "Wouldn’t that make it a weapon?"

Kid: "Fine, it was a poorly planned analogy, but brass knuckles are not a weapon."

Me: "So they can just serve the purpose of whacking someone over the head then?"

Kid: "Yeah, sure, whatever."

Please stop making the rest of us look bad!

Please know this rant is directed at (and started by) online relationship tips, and the women I heard at the mall chatting about them…

I'm sick of certain women making the rest of us all look bad. I'm also sick of girl friend/wife stereotypes. No, I do not cry at the drop of a hat, and I expect you to mean what you say rather then tell me what society says women want to hear. If my ass looks fat - tell me, odds are I already know. I know there are a lot of other women out there like me, sick of Laguna Beach implying that women are always catty, materialistic, crazy bitches. However it has come to my attention that some girls really do suck, and make life very difficult for their significant other.

No ladies, he isn't going to know what you want unless you tell him – the same way he should tell me what he wants so I'll know. For as many women's magazines out there promoting constant communication we sure seem to screw that up! I'm tired of being lumped in with a bunch of other crappy girlfriends who manipulate to get what they want. Sorry ladies, I actually respect my boyfriend and his ability to process information.

Or these women I hear talking about with holding sex until they get something they want. What message is that sending, that women don't actually enjoy sex and only do it to keep the men well behaved? That's like saying, "Honey, I hate having sex but if you do something good I'll reward you with a good old fashioned date-rape!" – it's insane to me! Sex is a big part of communication in a relationship; it should never be used as a bargaining chip. Plus I actually like sex!

I mean I understand that if your partner has really and deeply hurt you, you're probably not sexually attracted to them at that point – and that's fair. But if you're with holding sex in order to prove a point or until you get that new whatever you want – well you're straight up whacked in the head and are only mind-fucking your relationship right into break up hell.

Also I'm sorry your boyfriend or husband doesn't send you flowers every month, but if you relate his feeling to the material objects he gives you, you're sadly mistaken. Sure, I feel happy when I get flowers but I feel even better when he just holds me and tells me how much he appreciates me and loves me. Also, the size of the diamond on the ring does not always directly correlate to the size of his love for you. It's directly correlates to his bank account and nothing else. We'd all love to get a huge rock, but let's not fool ourselves. The size of the ring doesn't mean your relationship is any more secure then anyone else's, other then financially. Again, there's nothing wrong with having a large diamond, but if that's all you two have going in your relationship then get out! And please stop judging the poor nice guys who can't buy you the huge rock, that doesn't mean he loves you less.

What happened to women respecting themselves? Or did that ever happen? These games and manipulations only further the social misconception that women relate their self-worth to men. Don't get me wrong, I love being in a relationship but we deserve equal amounts of respect and honesty. If I'm unhappy I should never play games, I should express myself as a person. This is not to say I've never fallen into the girlfriend game trap, but let's all call each other on it and maybe most of us could knock it off!

I know we all love to get girly and sexy, but why do some women dumb themselves down? Why do we think that acting intelligently isn't sexy? If a potential partner is intimidated my intelligence, I'm glad to know sooner then later – as I don't want to spend the entire relationship playing dumb. Also, if you're a major bitch, don't be surprised if he's a jerk right back at you. That drives me insane. I know I couple where she spends all her time degrading him and yelling at him. The one time he stands up for himself and treated her the way she had been treating him, he was labeled an asshole by her and all her girl friends. What the hell? This girl is not a big fan of me after I shared my opinion with her. But seriously, tit for tat honey. If you can act like that why should he be required to behave any differently? Just because he's a man doesn't mean he deserves constant torment from the person who is supposed to love him. Ever heard of mutual respect? It works wonders in a relationship. I wouldn't expect my girlfriends to stay with someone who screamed at them all the time, why should you expect him too?

All you ladies who agree with me, who respect yourselves and your partners, thank you. And please know that this rant was NOT directed at you. Let's spread the knowledge. Women don't have to play into these roles in order to get attention from their mates, though practically all the media out there that involves a relationship shows us otherwise. But the old ball and chain jokes aren't funny anymore. A relationship should be a beautiful and equal thing. A relationship shouldn't completely change who you are, it should enhance who you already are.

To all you women out there who are still playing the games, all the women who are more concerned about others opinions of your relationship then the actual relationship itself, to all the manipulative women, to the women concerned with the size of the rock or title of his job or the type of clothes he wears… PLEASE, knock it off. You're making the rest of us look bad.

I promise to not Honk at you if you don't Honk at me...

Lincoln is for the most part a very friendly town, slower paced but still big enough to be interesting. However recently I've noticed that Lincoln drivers are getting nastier and nastier! It seems that since the time I started driving honking has doubled, people ride your ass constantly, and no one lets you into to traffic anymore! What do these people think? That they're from Omaha? Lincoln's a quick city to get around in, thus the nastiness is unnecessary.

Last week while running errands I decided to "be the change". I tried to not ride anyone's bumper; I didn't honk (not that I normally do). But get this, I was honked at while waiting at a light… Well guess what buddy, "The big damn sign says NO RIGHT ON RED, and I'm certainly not throwing myself into on coming traffic just so you can get home in time to watch people's court!!" I was somewhat irritated to say the least. Later after several breathing exercises I attempted to "become the change" again.

I was in a line of traffic directly in front of an outlet from a gas station. An older guy was trying to get out and traffic was flying right by him. I paused to let him out of the gas station, assuming he would just pull into the lane I was in. Unfortunately this guy wasn't that smart. He assumes that because I've paused in the middle of the road to help him out, so must have everybody else. So he barrels in front of me, and directly into the car traveling the lane to my left. Though my car was virtually un-touched by the accident I was trapped between the moron directly in front of my car, the poor guy to my left and the curb. See what happens when I try to be nice? I literally encouraged an accident, ruining that other driver's day.

Though I continue to attempt to not ride other people ass's, not honk, and let people into traffic who look like they can handle it in (sorry old people), I am much less concerned with people's rudeness. The best way to change a bully's behavior is to just ignore right? So if a guy honks at me, I just ignore him and start to drive 10 mph down a one-lane 35mph street. You want to ride my car's ass? I'll do whatever I can to make sure I slowly stay in front you all the way to wherever you're going. I'm just "being the change".

the power of the potty...

Have you ever been locked inside your small non-ventilated bathroom for over 2 and ½ hours? If you answered no, you have no idea.

We moved into an older rental house, and though I love it, it came with more then a few "older-home quirks". One of these being the doorknob on the bathroom – meaning it didn't work. When you shut the door you literally shut yourself in there.

At this point I put in maintenance request number 1. After three days there was no reply – not even an answer for one of the "quirks" (by quirks I mean heart attack inducing problems). So I called in maintenance request number 2…then nothing. Then 3 and 4…then I sat and I sat and I waited. Then two weeks later I had 2 and ½ hours to sit in the bathroom and wait.

I had innocently run home after work to change into jeans and flip-flops before class. I got home, threw off my heels, and took off my work pants. Before putting on my jeans I went to restroom. I had left the front door slightly open when I ran in. Of course universe enjoys laughing at me, so on a virtually windless day our front door was blown open causing the bathroom door I had left open to shut. I was now half naked and trapped in my own bathroom.

The first 15 minutes I was slightly panicked. I had no idea when Morgan (my boyfriend) was going to home since he thought I would be at class all night. Plus the front door was hanging open! Any whack-o could just come wondering in; at least I would be safely locked in the bathroom where they couldn't get at me.

The next 45 minutes I honestly found it very funny. I heard my cell start ringing and went to open door to grab it – then remembered that the door wouldn't open and suddenly found the whole situation very funny. It all felt very I Love Lucy.

Then for the next hour and half, I was very angry. It suddenly occurred to me that I Love Lucy was filmed on a sound stage, and that Lucy wasn't actually stuck in that situation. Fuck Lucy. And fuck my property manager – what kind of name is Joanie anyway?! I'm pretty sure she's not 17 and sleeping with Fonzi's kid cousin, maybe it's time to use a 'grown up' name, JOAN! You know what else JOAN?! Grown ups actually do their job!

It was at this point I stopped trying to pick the mechanism in the doorknob without breaking it. I wanted to break something. I wailed on that door, lost it on the knob and clawed at the hinges. This was all somewhat counter productive and achieved nothing but getting me sweaty and bruised. After getting sweaty I made the completely dumb assed decision to take a shower, thinking to myself,

"What the hell else am I going to do in this bathroom?"

After getting out of the shower it occurred to me that not only could I not open the door, but also there was no fan or window. The bathroom was rather steamy and quite warm. I was going to be very angry, sweaty and wet until I got that door open. The one up side to the steam bath was that it loosened up the rust that was holding the pins in the hinges of the door.

Eventually I was able to jimmy the hinges off using trimming scissors and tweezers, It was really very brilliant if I don't say so myself.

I'm am also now an authority on the informational booklets you get with tampons and birth control pills, so let me know if you have any questions.

The morale of the story is being patient with your property management company doesn't get anything accomplished. Sitting and hoping that your property manager isn't a piece of crap is a waste of your time. I had a lot of time to sit and think about these things in my bathroom, I should know.

Also you should always threaten to call the County Building and Safety commission, because then your doors will be fixed by noon the next day.

So what did we learn today, Century Sales and Property Management? We learned don't fuck with me, that's what we learned today.

Don't tell me about MY OWN sexual rights, thanks!

Im not embarrassed to admit that I have been on oral contraceptives for over 8 years now. Many women use them, not only to prevent pregnancy but for hormone control, skin problems, etc Honestly the pill is a pretty common thing these days. With that said, I get my prescription from a planned parenthood clinic due to unreasonably high cost of health insurance at my current job. Also I support safe and healthy family planning, and believe that education is the best way to reach people who are unaware of their sexual health and their sexual rights. You cant just tell someone how to behave and expect it to work; you have to educate them on why certain behaviors are dangerous.

Again, with all that said: PLEASE protesters go harass someone who gives a flying fuck what you think! This afternoon I went to go get my prescription filled. On my way out the door a mild mannered older woman stopped me and said,

"You know, this isn't your only option".

So I told her, "I know. They tell you that in there too, but I was just picking my pills, thanks".

As I started to walk away from her she asked me, "Do you think God, your lord and savior, wants you to take those?".

I rolled that one around in my head for a moment, looked at her calmly and said, "I think if God was dead set on me getting knocked up he would have used that .1% to his advantage already, but thanks for your input."

Then the next poor girl walked out, who apparently looked much more influence able then myself, so the woman moved on.

Though a mild confrontation I was still somewhat bothered by it. I wondered if she ever stood in front of sperm banks. All that little pill does is stop a unfertilized egg from dropping. If thats wrong then shouldnt men be judged for masturbation? Isnt that 1,000s of unborn babies being ejaculated? Yet no one really questions the reproductive rights of men, because the women are supposed to be modest ones, the ones capable of controlling themselves sexually. This unbelievable double standard has men and woman around the country completely brainwashed!!

Im sorry but I give my male friends more respect then that. I do think they are capable of controlling themselves. When it comes to controlling ones self I put myself on an equal playing field as men so why is this woman harassing me, not 13 year old boys everywhere? Theyre stopping just as many births from happening as I am.

I truly feel that contraceptives made a significant difference in womens sexual rights; I can enjoy sex like men do, and not feel guilty about it. They allow me to own my sexuality, in a way my grandmother or even mother were never able to. Yet half of the people I see fighting this are women, I just dont understand that. I think family planning and my sexual choices should be between my partner, my doctor, God, and myself. No one (I repeat NO ONE) else has any right to get involved or speak for God (this includes the government).

So PLEASE protestors, Mr. President, Congress and the Catholic Church - stop trying to tell me what God thinks, I can ask myself, thanks.