The Worrier’s Almanac Guide– Who’s Going to Kill Me?

How are you going to die? Probably between the ages of 25 to 34, drunk at 11pm on a Saturday by male who is of the same race as you.

I'm a worrier. I appreciate this.

The Worrier's Almanac Guide–
Who's Going to Kill Me?
by Pete Nicely

... I constantly probe the news, statistics and other neurotics so that I can worry more effectively. I cautiously seer into the ever-frightening future and fret: Am I more likely to die on the weekend or during the week? Or, When do more people get killed, day or night? And most often I wonder: Who's going to kill me?

Now I know the odds are that no one is going to kill me. The odds are much better that I'll die in an accident or kill myself either by suicide or slowly by smoking, eating or breathing too much.

But forget the odds. For some reason, worries tend toward murder and how to avoid it. In some reptilian part of our brain, we're all being hunted. And I want to know EXACTLY who is going to kill me. And if I can't know exactly, I want to know enough statistics so that I can make a very faulty hypothesis.

So here is exactly what you need to know about being killed.

1. Men get killed way more often than women.

In 2005, 4 men were killed for every 1 woman. This isn't to say that it's safer to be a woman at all. 1 in 6 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime, compared to 1 in 33 men . While I think that statistic is definitely underreported, the fact is that in this sick society women get raped and men get killed. 65% of murders are men killing men, which, considering all the raping going on, doesn't seem like such a terrible thing. 23% are men killing women. 10% were women killing men while on 2% of all murders are females killing other females, which is probably why mud wrestling comes off as so safe and fun.



2. Worry about the people you know.

Women should be cautious of their lovers. 1/3 of women murder victims were killed by someone they were "intimate" with. Only 3% of men were killed by an intimate. Strangers get a bad rap in our society. Even the term comes off creepy. But if you're female, you have to keep in mind that even the person you're boning is a bit strange. Women are also more likely to be killed by a family member or an acquaintance than a man is. A stranger murdered only 9% of women. 16% of men are reported murdered by a stranger, which just means that the relationship couldn't be determined. I really don't think that the random murder of strangers is worth worrying about, not with our friends and families out to get us.



3. White people generally kill white people; black people kill black people

Almost half of all murders were a white person killing a white person. About 41% were black people killing black people. Less than 9% of murders were a black person killing a white person. Only 4% of murders involved a white person killing a black person, which is a nice respite from the 400 years of genocide and torture of the slave trade. Black immigrants have way lower homicide rates than native black Americans.



4. Teenagers and people in their young 20s are most likely to be killed.

Females in this age group are also 4 times more likely to be raped. It's when we are most reckless and I recommend avoiding this period of your life completely, if possible. 25-34 is the next most dangerous age, which is certainly why the framers picked 35 as the minimum age for the President.



5. Saturday, followed closely by Friday, is the most muderous day of the week.

6. The day gets more dangerous as it gets later.

Mornings are the safest time of day. Afternoons are slightly more dangerous. Starting at 6 PM murder rates go way up, peaking at 11 PM. Note to Worriers: Stay home at night and on Fridays and Saturdays.

7. You can get killed at work.

About 800 people get killed every year at work. Men are 4 times as likely to die while working, but death is the leading occupational injury for women. I can't think of anything worse than dying at work, which is why it'll probably happen to me.



8. Driving a cab is the most dangerous job in America.

15 out 100,000 cab drivers are killed every year compared to 9 out of 100,000 police officers. The other dangerous jobs are pretty obvious: Hotel clerks, liquor store clerks, gas station workers and security guards.



9.Intoxication kills.

Victims are likely to be intoxicated so are murderers.



10. Resisting seems like a good idea.

A Department of Justice study of survivors of nearly fatal attacks found that 63% of victims felt their resistance helped them. Only 7% felt it was harmful. Of course, you can't interview those who didn't survive.



11. Guns kill better.

2/3 of all murders involved guns. Sharp instruments are the second most popular murder weapon at 17%. Blunt instruments, like a trumpet, I guess, were used in only 6%. There is no statistical breakout for candlesticks, wrenches or lead pipes. Now, I'm one of those people who wish that all handguns were illegal (or nearly impossible to get). I know: Then only criminals will have guns. But given how much more likely we are to be killed by someone we know than a stranger—I'm willing to risk it.



12. You probably won't be murdered.

1 out of 217 Americans will be murdered in his or her lifetime. In one year, that's 1 out of 16, 919, or a very large hockey crowd. Thinking of murder statistics in terms of hockey crowds makes the whole thing much easier to take, I find. 1 in 5 of us will die from Heart Disease. 1 of 84 will die in car accidents. If you want to think about who's stalking you, it's cancer and emphysema. And they know where you live.

Death isn't a joke, but it is the Worrier's job to consider it dispassionately. Thusly I remind you: beware the friend, family member or acquaintance that shows up drunk at Saturday night at 11 PM with a gun and a smile. Otherwise you should be just fine.